The Beginners Playbook to Kinky Sex Ideas

By ASTROGLIDE Team

Whether you’re interested in getting kinky, wanting to turn things up a notch, or simply try something new – you’re not alone. In fact, nearly one in four Americans either consider themselves interested or are already participating in kink, but never actually voice it due to fear of judgment. 

From depictions in pornography to mainstream erotica, many of us have been exposed to at least a glimpse of what kinky sex entails. But outside the stereotypical confines of role-play, whips, bondage, and BDSM, what exactly defines kinky sex? And most importantly, how should you approach kink for the first time?

If you’ve thought about exploring your kinky side, we’ve tapped multiple kink experts to compile the ultimate guide to what kinky sex is, the health benefits, new things to try, and rules to follow to ensure a safe and positive experience for all. And on that note, this might be one to share with your partner, too!

What is Kinky Sex?

The definition of kink can be considered two-fold as it ultimately varies from person to person. Our Resident Sex Researcher, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, defines the term kink as “a very broad concept that encompasses pretty much any form of sexual expression that falls outside of the mainstream. This can include the eroticization of intense sensations (such as mixing pleasure and pain), playing with power differentials, deriving pleasure from inanimate objects, role-playing, and more.”

Simply put, rather than viewing kinky sex as unconventional, kink is very much so an umbrella term for a vast range of sexual interests, preferences, and identities. 

Kayla Lords, Sex Expert for Jack and Jill Adult, expands on this in defining kink as anything outside of the mainstream definition of “typical” sex. “Because it’s such a broad term, it means different things to different people. For some, anal sex is “kinky,” while for others, kinks refer to specific acts that fall under the umbrella of BDSM. Since mainstream culture thinks of “typical” sex as penetration, oral, and masturbation, kink often gets labeled as “everything else” which is a misnomer since there are plenty of kinky activities that fall within penetrative sex, oral sex, and masturbation,” said Lords. 

While kink is often associated with many sexual scenarios, there are a few general acts that fall under the category of kink. To provide a few examples, Lucy Jones, Ph. D + Relationship Counselor at ToyBoyWarehouse, shares the following breakdown:

• Exhibitionism: The act of watching or being watched during sexual acts – with or without knowledge. This can include sex outdoors, sharing personal sexual content, and masturbation. These all are common kinks under this category.
• BDSM: Which stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism is another broad term covering acts intended to dominate, cause consensual pain, submiss, etc. From furry handcuffs to complicated BDSM body rigs, the range of excessiveness varies wildly. 
• Multiple Sexual Partners: Another commonly considered kink is sex with more than one partner, from your standard threesome to all-out orgy sex parties.
• Fetish: A fetish is a sexual preference for individuals or objects that are usually considered either unsexual or uncommon for the individual experiencing those preferences. For groups of people, a fetish can range from the somewhat kinky, such as nurses or teachers roleplay, to the extreme sexual fantasies. For objects and body parts, again this can be somewhat risqué, such as people’s feet or leather materials to the outright unusual.

The Benefits of Kinky Sex

For anyone looking to spice up their sex life with or without a partner, exploring the world of kink has plenty of options. And on top of that, there are a variety of health benefits too!  

While the term ‘kink’ was historically used in the time of Freud to describe any sexual activity that veers away from the norm, today, our society has become much more accepting – with researchers now starting to examine the benefits.  

According to Daniel Sher, clinical psychologist and Sex Therapy Expert at Between Us premature ejaculation clinic, a recent study concluded that “kink should be considered a leisure activity, rather than a problem. Researchers found that people who practice kink tend to be less neurotic, more conscientious, and happier on the whole. More generally, people who engage in kink often describe it as an important and empowering aspect of their identity. It also helps with boundary setting and sharpening communication skills with your partner,” says Sher.  

To expand on this, Lehmiller adds that, “whether viewed as a leisure activity or intrinsic aspect of one’s sexuality, it could be argued that kink is a form of serious leisure, one that requires a lot of time, necessitates a certain level of expertise and that may even affect self-identification. Research has found that kink/BDSM often fits this bill and that it overlaps with a lot of the characteristics of the concept of leisure more generally.” 

Engaging in kink and other forms of BDSM play can also have a positive effect on the brain. “People who practice BDSM and kink test better in many psychological ways than the general, non-kinky public,” explains Heather M. Claus, Sex Expert and Founder of DatingKinky.com. “Kinky people are more likely to be secure in their relationships and feel a sense of well-being and confidence. They are more conscientious towards others, more engaged, and more open to trying new experiences. They also are less anxious and stressed, as well as less sensitive to other’s negative perceptions,” adds Claus.  

To add to the list, Sandra Larson, nurse + relationship expert + co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide, expands on a few additional health benefits from engaging in kinky sex that is hard to pass up, including:

• Improved Mental Health: A 2013 study found kink/BDSM participants to be more extroverted, less reactionary to rejection, and mentally stronger. Kinky sex promotes the desire for adventure, exploration, and new adventures. Gradually, it makes individuals’ stubborn’ and committed to their way of doing things over alternatives.
• Feel-Good Hormones Spike: Engaging in kink/BDSM calls for an honest and straightforward conversation before and during sex. Partners are able to open up about their fears, sweet spots, and likes, unlike with “vanilla” sex. The introduction of safe words and other rules promotes better communication, leading to a spike in serotonin (and other feel-good hormones) production. 
• Stress Reduction: A recent study found that partners who engaged in BDSM activities had significantly lower cortisol levels in their bodies. Cortisol, a major stress hormone, is associated with important body processes like blood sugar regulation and inflammation control. For this reason, kink/BDSM participants are less susceptible to health risks like heart diseases and high blood pressure.

The Golden Rules for Kink

While kinky sex might have plenty of benefits, there are a few essential things to keep in mind to make it a safe and positive experience. If you’re interested in trying some new kinky ideas for the first time, it’s always important to ensure that your partner is on the same page. According to Sher, “the golden rule for kink, sex, and life, in general, is to participate only to the extent that you have active consent from your partner. Additionally, try to communicate openly before and after about your experience and expectations, so that you and your partner can deepen your intimacy and help one another become better kinky lovers,” he adds.  

Communication & Consent

The most critical aspect when participating in any type of kinky play begins with consent. To expand on this, Lords says, “talking through expectations, wants, needs, likes, and dislikes before any kink activity occurs is absolutely essential. It’s also important to check in with each other during the activity to make sure both partners want it to continue.”

At the same time, it’s also important to remember that kinky sex is ultimately subjective to one’s sexual preferences and comfort level. For that reason, Jones emphasizes that “boundary planning and communication are essential before any kinky sex play. For example, if you and your partner are interested in experiencing kink/BDSM, it’s important to identify what you both believe that means. Keep in mind what specific acts you are interested in and if your partner is comfortable with trying them,” Jones adds. 

Safe Words

Pick easy words that you can both understand,” says Larson. 

While safe words are a tried and tested favorite according to Jones, so is the use of the traffic light system. “This is where you or your partner can say ‘green’ – for everything’s fine, feel free to escalate, ‘yellow’ – things are not too intense, but they are close to the limit and ‘red’ – that you should immediately pull back as things are too intense,” says Jones. Most importantly, you want to ensure that you and your partner are comfortable at every point of escalation during sexual activity. 

Kinky Sex Ideas for Beginners

Whether you are a beginner looking to experiment in the world of kink or looking for ways to explore your kinky side, we’ve got you covered from foreplay to new sex positions to try. Kayla Broek, Sex and Relationship Coach, suggests the following kinky sex acts to get you started: 

• Toys: Cock rings, dildos, and bullet vibrators are nice choices for beginners. These sex toys are relatively inexpensive, and they’re more accessible than ever. 
• Tie Your Partner Up: A submissive partner might like the vulnerability of being tied up, while dominant lovers enjoy being able to ravage a defenseless partner. You might even try turning it into a sex game.
• Blindfold: When you lose your eyesight, other senses are heightened. This includes touch – and that’s why blindfolds are popular in the bedroom. Again, this creates tension and vulnerability that both submissive and dominants may love. 
• Spanking: A lot of submissive partners find pain to be pleasurable during sex. Test to see if your partner is one of them by spanking them. If they like it, you can bet they’d enjoy having their hair pulled, or nails dug into their back too.
• Anal Sex: Many like the different sensation that comes from anal stimulation. Remember to use a condom, lube up, and start slowly.

Now that you’ve got all the insight you need to bring some kink into the bedroom, it’s time to go forth and explore!

Curious about getting into kinky sex? Astroglide’s resident sexologist Dr. Jessica O’Reilly has literally written the book on kink, The Little Book of Kink: Sexy Secrets for Thrilling Over-the-Edge Pleasure. Get her top ten guidelines for kinky sex here.

1. R.A.C.K.

R.A.C.K. stands for risk-aware, consensual kink and this basic phrase outlines two of the essential components of kinky sex while recognizing that there is some risk inherent to all sex play.

For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity. These risks should be discussed ahead of time — not in the heat of the moment when sexual tension is already building. It is important to address the measures that you plan to take to minimize risk when your mind is clear and your judgment isn’t clouded by desire or other distractions.

To be considered consensual, all parties involved must be capable of expressing their explicit and informed consent. The absence of protestation does not amount to consent and the clearest way to secure consent is to ask. Similarly, the most straightforward way to provide consent is to offer an enthusiastic and genuine “Yes!”

Consent is a cornerstone of all kinky activities and you should ask for consent every single time you play with a sexual partner. Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning. You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.

2. Communication and Negotiations

Before you can consent to any sexual activity, you need to negotiate your wants, needs, and limitations. For many people, talking about sex can be more daunting than having sex, so if you’re intimidated or shy, know that you are not alone. However, despite the discomfort, you may experience while talking about your sexual preferences, feelings and boundaries, this conversation is essential to hotter, kinkier sex.

Some of the items you’ll want to cover in your negotiations include:

●  The role(s) you are willing to play: Do you prefer to be submissive or dominant or does it depend on the day? It’s okay to switch roles. Are you a demanding dominant? Do you like to be punished or teased as a submissive? The more you talk about your desires and concerns in advance, the hotter your kinky experience will be.

●  The activities or kinky sex ideas you want to try and those that are off-limits: Try the Kinky Colors of Exploration activity below to explore your desires and better understand your partner’s.

●  The specifics of the activities you crave: For example, if you want to be tied up, do you want to be face-up or face-down? Do you want your ankles or just your wrists tied? How much slack do you require when bound? The little details not only make for a safer scene but also ensure that every aspect of your sexual fantasy is fulfilled.

●  The specifics of your body: Which body parts like gentle touch and which ones enjoy rough play? Are there areas of your body that are off-limits or do you have any injuries that your lover should be aware of?

●  The type of language you like to use and hear: How do you refer to your genitals? Are there words that turn you off, trigger upsetting memories or make you uncomfortable? It may seem like a silly discussion, but you don’t want to be in the middle of a smoking hot sex scene and then lose all interest and passion, because your lover uses the word wiener and it reminds you of your grandmother. If pet-names or name-calling is a part of your kink play, you’ll also want to discuss terms of endearment and degradation in advance.

●  You and your lovers may draw up a contract in writing or agree on terms verbally. Though a written contract is not necessary, it may be helpful to help you to review your agreement and limitations before each scene. You can also amend or add to your contract and watch it evolve as you explore your very own personal kink journey.

●  Even if you opt to use verbal negotiations as opposed to a written contract, you might want to try this Kinky Colors Exploration activity with your honey before getting started. This exercise allows you to color-code your interest in a number of sexual activities and can prompt a fun, sexy and revealing conversation about your fantasies and boundaries. You can revisit this activity over and over again, as your sexual desires and tastes are constantly evolving.

Kinky Colors Exploration Activity

What you need: 2 each of red, yellow, and green markers; 2 copies of the kinky activities list (*see end of article)

Take your list and your three colored markers into a private space, so that you can complete the first part of this exercise alone. Use the green marker to circle the items that you definitely want to try (or have already tried), the yellow one to circle those that you are curious about and might consider, and the red marker to circle the ones that are definitely off-limits. Add your own items to the list based on your fantasies, curiosities, and limits.

Once you’re finished, you can reconvene with your sexual partner and go over one another’s answers. Relax and share your thoughts, concerns, limitations, and questions and have fun giggling and revealing your most intimate desires.

Remember that just because you circled an item as green doesn’t mean that your lover has free reign to do as they please, it just means that you may be open to experimentation with this kink at some point in time. You still need to negotiate the terms and offer consent every time you engage in a kinky activity and discuss the specifics. For instance, if you circled “being bitten” in green, you’ll need to clarify where you like to be bitten.

3. Build Trust and Move Slowly

Because kinky sex can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution. Don’t assume that you can dive in headfirst and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience. Remember, the characters in novels and films are fictional, so although their sex lives may inspire you, don’t interpret their experiences as educational. They may have had a mind-blowing first experience with little or no preparation, but reality does not usually live up to fantastical expectations.

If you find that you are interested and open to a wide range of new experiences, don’t feel you need to try everything at once. The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like. Seasoned kink experts suggest that you add one new component of kink to your sex life at a time and break down your wildest sexual fantasy into manageable parts. For instance, if your ultimate fantasy involves a public scene, lots of new props, spanking and total submission, try incorporating just one of these elements into your regular foreplay or sex regimen. You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space like a balcony or backyard or before beginning to try new props and power play. Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.

Just as you need to ease into kinky activities, you’ll also want to gradually explore the relational component of kink. Predicated on trust, kink is facilitated by a strong degree of connection, shared responsibility, and care for yourself and your partner. Building and deepening trust take time, so don’t feel the need to push your boundaries beyond your current comfort zone. Accepting and taking pride in your personal limitations is both a hallmark of kink and a quality of a great, authentic lover.

Dr. Jess Says…

“Everything feels better when you are already turned on, so start with the types of sex you already enjoy and then add an element of kink, one element at a time. Eventually, kinky sex can become a part of your warm-up routine, but when you are just beginning to explore your kinky side, make sure that the foreplay includes activities, positions, and techniques with which you are highly comfortable.”

4. Designate a Safeword and/or Safe Signal

Safewords and safe signals are indispensable to hotter, safer kink play, as they allow you to explore a wider range of activities, communication styles, fantasies, and role-plays. A safeword is a coded response that allows you to communicate your limits clearly and immediately. “Stop!”, “Please don’t!”, “I can’t take anymore” and similar phrases are NOT effective safe words, as we often use this type of language as part of a scene or role-play. Instead, select a word like Red, Popcorn or Cricket that you wouldn’t use during sex play, but is easy to remember.

Safewords are meant to be used and if you want to stop or have changed your mind about any activity, you shouldn’t hesitate to use yours. Many people use the stoplight system of safe words: green means bring it on; yellow means I’m reaching my limits, so please slow down or ease up; red means stop what you’re doing right now.

If you plan on engaging in activities that may inhibit your ability to speak, you’ll need to come up with a safe signal. For instance, holding up two fingers in a peace sign raising a scarf above your head could be your signal to your partner that you can’t take anymore and they should stop what they’re doing immediately. Whatever safe word or safe signal you choose, be sure to review it before you get down to business and be clear about its meaning.

Alongside safe signals, you may also want to develop a non-verbal communication code so that you don’t have to interrupt an erotic scene with talk. For example, you can hold up your fingers to indicate the degree of pain or distress you’re experiencing ranging from zero for no pain to five for a great degree.

5. Do Your Research

Kinky sex can be complicated and risky, so be sure to educate yourself. The Little Book of Kink offers some specific suggestions and techniques for a range of activities, but it is in no way comprehensive. If you want to try something new that isn’t outlined in this book, read up on it or take a course first! Check out some of the reliable online forums for support and advice and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

6. Stay Sober

Alcohol and drugs can severely impair your sense of judgment, communication skills, perception of pain, and response time, so it goes without saying that the risks of kinky sex are exacerbated by impairment. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a drink or two with dinner, but if you’re too drunk to drive, shelve the kinky sex for another day.

7. Perform Check-Ins

With most of the techniques and scenarios outlined in The Little Book of Kink, you’ll be taking on a role of either a dominant or submissive. While it’s fun to stay in character, it’s also important to check in with your partner to make sure that you’re both enjoying yourselves.

You’ll want to check for emotional safety by asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. A simple “Are you okay?” may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene. For instance, two light taps can reassure your lover that you’re feeling good. You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured. If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.

8. Practice Safer Sex

Safer sex doesn’t have to be clinical or unsexy. In fact, some of the hottest sex acts, like putting a condom on with your mouth or slathering lube all over your lover’s hot vulva, are safer sex essentials. In addition to considering barrier methods (condoms, dams, gloves, etc.) and regular testing, you should also inspect your toys and equipment to make sure that they are clean and functioning. You don’t want to play with worn-out ties or toys that haven’t been washed or sanitized since your last play session.

When it comes to kink, safer sex also involves respecting your partner’s limits. You’ve already discussed your boundaries, so don’t try to push them or renegotiate during an intense kinky sex scene. Pressure is never sexy and is one of the biggest obstacles to a satisfying sex life.

9. Debrief

You already know that strong communication skills are fundamental to sizzling hot sex, but they don’t stop when the physical contact ends. In fact, what happens after a sex scene is just as important as the activity itself, as kinky sex can involve intense emotions, sensations, and activities. If your sex play was physically exhausting or challenging, be sure to find a comfortable position to rest in as part of your recovery and check in with your partner to make sure that they’re comfortable as well. If you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed by your experience, you can discuss your reactions with your partner and welcome their reactions. Offer reassurance and be empathetic to their response. You may want to kiss, snuggle, take a bath or go for a run as part of your aftercare and each person will have a unique set of needs, so be sure to discuss yours as openly as possible.

10. Have fun!

Despite all of the rules, preparations, and safety precautions, kinky sex is still supposed to be a ton of fun! Having a sense of humor and accepting that not everything will go exactly as planned will help to ensure that your experience is overwhelmingly positive.

Remember that there is no right or wrong way to be kinky. Whether you’re turned on by spiked high-heels and leather whips or dog collars and ball gags, you’re perfectly normal — and perfectly kinky.

Kinky Activities List

*Print or copy this list to use in the Kinky Colors Exploration Activity from section 2:

The content above is an abridged version of the guidelines in Dr. Jessica O’Reilly’s The Little Book of Kink: Sexy Secrets for Thrilling Over-the-Edge Pleasure by Quiver Books.

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Sources:

Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Kayla Lords

Lucy Jones 

Daniel Sher

Heather M. Claus

Sandra Larson

Kayla Broek