What College Students Today Need To Know About Sex
By Dr. Justin
Sexual Health
The state of sex education in the United States today leaves something to be desired. Only 28 states require that adolescents receive sex ed, and just 18 require it to be medically accurate. In other words, a lot of kids aren’t getting sex education at all, and even for those who receive it, there’s isn’t even a guarantee that they’ll learn factual (or helpful) information. The result is that a heck of a lot of teens head off to college without knowing what they really need to know about sex. So what do college students today need to know? In this article, we’ll explore how the sex lives of college students have changed in recent years and discuss some key things they need to understand in order to have consensual, safe, and pleasurable experiences.
College Today: Less Sex, More Kink
It has been well documented that young adults today are having less sex compared to generations past. Specifically, what the data show is that they’re waiting a bit longer to begin having sex, they’re having fewer partners, and they’re not doing it quite as often. However, the sex that they are having is quite different in some ways, and one of the key changes we’re seeing is a broad rise in kinky and BDSM activities. Younger adults are engaging in more rough sex in general. “Rough sex” is a term that obviously means different things to different people, but in surveys of young adults who are asked what this means to them, some of the most commonly endorsed items include things like choking, spanking, and getting tied up. The fact that rough sex has become so prevalent in college populations points to the need for better education surrounding three important things: consent, communication, and safety.
How To Express Consent
Let’s talk about consent first because it’s the essential starting point for any sexual encounter. There are a lot of different definitions and models of sexual consent out there, with affirmative consent and enthusiastic consent being amongst the most popular. These models represent the ideal because their goal is to ensure that consent is communicated in ways that are explicit and unambiguous. However, they don’t reflect the reality of how most consent is actually communicated. Research finds that most young adults tend to rely more on non-verbal cues and indicators of consent, which is where things can get murky. Relying only on non-verbal consent can be problematic when engaging in rough sex or sex with a new partner because, in the absence of clearly established boundaries, it becomes all too easy for consent cues to be misinterpreted and for things to move well past one’s comfort zone. So how can we help young adults to get more comfortable with verbal consent? One of the simplest ways to do that is to learn how to make consent sexy. One of the reasons people don’t always opt for verbal consent is because they’re worried that it’s going to “ruin the mood” by saying something that feels awkward. However, communicating consent doesn’t have to sound clinical or like you’re signing a legal contract (e.g., “Is it OK if I do this and then this and then this?”). Consent can actually sound a lot like dirty talk if done right, and that can make it super hot. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer for how to communicate consent in a sexy way, so focus on identifying questions, phrases, and techniques that feel natural and sexy to you. For example, you might kiss your partner’s neck and then whisper in their ear. You might say things like, “Do you like it when I ____?” “Do you want me to _____?” You can also say things that make your partner feel validated and desired as a lead-in to asking them for what they want next (e.g., “You look so hot in that ____. Can I take it off?). For most people, being with someone who makes us feel wanted and attractive is a huge turn-on, so why not capitalize on that when communicating consent?
How To Communicate
When it comes to good sex, consent is just the bare minimum. We need to go beyond that and communicate our boundaries and desires. We can’t expect our partners to read our minds and automatically know what we’re comfortable with and what we enjoy. Pre-negotiation is vital to safe and pleasurable experiences, especially when there’s any aspect of rough sex involved. Again, however, people often struggle with when and how to communicate this. One easy way to get the ball rolling is to try communicating through sexting. When it comes to sex, people often find it easier to type things out than to verbalize them face-to-face. It seems to take some of the pressure off, while also giving you more control over your words. Talking about your likes and dislikes, your fantasies and desires, and your yesses and nos over text isn’t just an effective form of clear communication—it can also be a way that you map out your next encounter and start building anticipation and excitement. Alternatively, you can look for natural opportunities to strike up a sexual conversation. For example, if you watch a steamy movie or TV series together, it’s easy to use it as a reference point afterwards (e.g., “What did you think of the scene where ____ happened?” or “That was so hot when _____. Is that something you would ever want to do/try?”). And even if what you see on screen isn’t what either of you really want to do, you can easily segue into a discussion about what you’d rather try instead and how you’d like to do it.
How To Stay Safe
Two important safety considerations for young adults are safer-sex practices (to protect against unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections) and risk-reduction practices (to minimize the risk of harm or injury from rough sex). On the safer-sex side, it’s important to recognize and be aware that young adults are disproportionately burdened by both STIs and unintended pregnancies. If pregnancy is a possibility, it’s important to use some form of contraception. There are dozens of methods available, from condoms to IUDs to birth control pills, patches, and injections. The benefit of condoms is obviously that they offer both contraceptive and STI-protective benefits. However, we know from research that young adults make a lot of condom use errors that reduce their efficacy, so it’s important to brush up on your condom use skills (here’s a handy primer from the CDC). Also, if pregnancy is a concern, consider using a backup method in case the condom breaks or isn’t properly used for greater peace of mind. One the risk-reduction side, if you’re engaging in rougher sex practices, it’s vital to educate yourself on less risky ways to explore these activities (I say “less risky” here because you can’t necessarily remove all risk, but there’s a lot you can do to minimize risk). For example, choking during sex is very prevalent among young adults, but can be very dangerous in the absence of precautions. People who choose to engage in this behavior (after all parties have consented to it, of course) can lower their risk by avoiding the front of the neck (to reduce risk of injury to the windpipe and prevent oxygen deprivation), applying only very light or gentle pressure, monitoring your partner during the act, and having a safeword. Some might also consider engaging in symbolic choking, where the hand is placed below the neck on the collarbone. There are all kinds of ways to mimic the sensation without introducing a high level of risk.
Takeaways
Many college students are not equipped with the knowledge they need due to gaps in our sex education system. Consent, communication, and safety are key areas to address when it comes to helping young adults maintain healthy intimate lives.
References:
Herbenick, D. et. al. (2021). What is rough sex, who does it, and who likes it? Findings from a probability sample of U.S. undergraduate students. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Monto, M. A., & Carey, A. G. (2014). A new standard of sexual behavior? Are claims associated with the “hookup culture” supported by General Social Survey data?. The Journal of Sex Research, 51(6), 605-615.
Lehmiller, J. J. (2023). The psychology of human sexuality (Third Edition). John Wiley & Sons.
Dr. Justin
ASTROGLIDE'S RESIDENT SEX RESEARCHER
Dr. Justin Lehmiller is a social psychologist and Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute. He is author of the blog Sex and Psychology and the popular book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator and a prolific researcher with more than 50 published academic works, including The Psychology of Human Sexuality, a textbook used in college classrooms around the world.