Secrets for More Spontaneous Sex

By ASTROGLIDE Team Sexual Health sexy kiss between man and woman

Spontaneous sex is an incredible way to make your relationship more exciting. Sure, romantic buildups and lots of flirting are wonderful — but sometimes, passion just hits you and you’ve gotta go for it. Surprising your partner with an invitation to the bedroom (or the kitchen, or car, or outside, or wherever) can inspire a whole lot of passion.

Spontaneity, without a doubt, heightens pleasure. It increases your adrenaline and adds a sexy layer of anticipation to your relationship. Spontaneous sex is the sincerest, satisfying kind of sex because it happens when you’re exactly in the mood for it and most craving your partner.

If you want to stop thinking of it as an obligation and learn how to make sex more interesting, these expert tips will have you on the path to your next award-winning orgasm.

Secret #1: Take Initiative!

Spontaneous sex begins with someone taking the reins. Even if you’re both very passive and polite, you’ll have to take turns making a surprise move.

“A hand on the inner thigh and a meaningful glance can be all you need,” says Jessica Boss, love coach, relationship expert, and writer at “If your partner doesn’t get the message, simply tell them in detail exactly what you want to do to them. Once you’ve got them all riled up, just add lube and enjoy!”

Taking initiative means operating outside of your normal routine––thinking outside the same time and same place.

“Surprise your partner by hopping in the shower when they least expect it or try waking them up with some foreplay,” says the experts at Hims, “An unexpected gesture is the perfect kick-starter for a romantic mood. Coming home with flowers or chocolates, or surprising them with public signs of affection, like kisses, holding hands, or romantic compliments are all viable options.”

According to the Hims team, the best way to initiate spontaneous sex is — ironically enough — by being prepared. If you know you’re the type person who wants to have sex at any given moment, be sure to have whatever accessories you typically require readily available to you. Surprising your partner with their favorite sex toy in an unexpected place will get them on the same page faster.

Add sex to your calendar

Secret #2: Get Your Schedule in Order

It may sound counter-intuitive, but adding a little organization to your life can actually open the doors to more spontaneity.

If you and your partner are in a sexual rut, it may be because your brains and schedules are too cluttered. Take a look at your day-to-day activities, see where you’re being inefficient and losing unnecessary time.

Are you spending too much time on your phone? Are you prioritizing friends and family over yourselves? Is work stressing you out?

Taking a look at your schedule and minimizing time-wasting activities will give you more breathing room for your personal life, which includes more free time to be spontaneous.

“It sounds a bit ridiculous to plan time to be spontaneous, but it’s really the best steps you can take in your sex life,” says Adina Mahalli, certified relationship expert and family care consultant with Maple Holistics. “Most relationships are deprived of sex because they have other priorities, but they don’t realize they can get everything they need done and still have downtime.”

Mahali recommends sitting down with your partner to organize your weekly schedule down to the half-hour. “Your newfound time may result in more spontaneous sex or just enjoying each other’s company, either way, your relationship will be better for it.”

Secret #3: Remember to Be Playful

Yes, sex is a great way to make your relationship more exciting — but a more exciting relationship will also lead to great sex. When you and your partner rekindle your zest, you’ll be more inclined to get zesty in the bedroom.

“Start being playful with your partner,” advises sex and relationship expert Belah Rose.  “When was the last belly laugh you two shared? Played board games together? Took a hike?”

Reflect on what really made you excited to be with each other in the beginning. Bring back the activities that brought you together in the first place, and you’ll start gushing with those good feelings again.

You can transform your bedroom into a playful space by making it a phone-free zone. Sleep in easy-access sexy outfits, or better yet, nothing at all. “All of these will invite more intimacy and more desire for your partner and more spontaneous sex will happen naturally,” adds Rose.

Secret #4: Communication: Still Important!

If spontaneous sex is a foreign concept to you or your partner, you can ease the transition by having a conversation about it first. While this might not sound like the sexiest approach, when we asked 4,342 people how their partners could help them reach orgasm, better communication was brought up again and again.

“Discuss the idea with your partner and decide on boundaries when it comes to having spontaneous sex,” says Boss. “When do the two of you feel most sexy? What are some times of day or places you’d like to get intimate? Are they okay with you pouncing on them without warning? Safety and consent are always the first steps to creating space in your relationship for more spontaneous sex, and that begins with having a conversation.”

Secret #5: Seize the Moment!

Sex doesn’t have to take a lot of time or even involve getting completely naked. If you’ve got 10 minutes where you’re both available, then you’ve got enough time to get down and sexy.

Don’t let being tired keep you from having sex. In fact, your bedroom can be one of the best places for spontaneous sex. “Orgasms and sex help you relax,” says Danny Garrett relationship and sex expert. “So surprise your partner even when you’re tired, and you both may sleep better.”

Mornings are a great time for spontaneous sex — you’re already in bed, you’re both still a little dreamy, and your partner probably isn’t expecting it. Wondering how to make sex more interesting? Start your day off in the right direction with a hot and spontaneous quickie!

Secret #6: Stop Sweating the Small Stuff

Stop worrying about the little things like needing to shave or shower. Your partner is with you for who you are, and the more you worry about those petty things, the more rehearsed your sex life will be.

“Let yourself enjoy the moment. Forget about the kids waking up or whatever the disruption might be, and just BE in the moment,” advises Alexis Graff, certified life coach and CEO of Make the Uncomfortable Comfortable. “Something I have used when my brain starts to wander is focusing on how my body is being touched. Even if he is just tickling my arm, I try to focus on that. Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time.”

How can you have full intimacy with your partner if your mind is going a million miles a minute? By giving yourself a break to unwind from the day, you are doing yourself and your partner a favor.

spontaneous sex outside
Photo by Matheus Ferrero

Secret #7: Focus on What Your Partner Wants (and Needs)

You can’t have spontaneous sex without factoring in your partner’s desire. Spontaneous or not, sex should be just as much about your partner’s pleasure as your own. One-sided pleasure is a surefire way to deteriorate an otherwise healthy relationship.

Build their pleasure by getting flirty. Sending sexy texts, unexpectedly caressing them, or sharing a naughty photo can go a long way in heightening anticipation.

Take note of when your partner is typically most aroused. In the morning, afternoon or evening? On weekdays or weeknights? Knowing when your partner is most likely to be interested will help you know when to go for it.

And if your partner isn’t in the mood, just let it go. “There is no bigger libido-killer than being pushy about sex,” says Alex Miller Sexologist for Orchid Toys. We can’t emphasize how important enthusiastic consent is: if your partner isn’t super into the idea, drop it.

Secret #8: Add Something New to Your Sex Life

“Whether it’s a new set of sexy underwear, candles and rose petals, a bubble bath, or a daring sex position you never tried before, a bit of diversity can be very arousing and may lead to spontaneous sex afterward,” suggests Sonya Schwartz, relationship expert and owner of Her Aspiration.

If you and your partner have some fairly regular ways that you’re intimate with each other, think about ways to mix it up a bit. “An especially sexy idea is focusing all of your attention on your partner’s pleasure — a surprise ‘I’m just here to make you cum’ is super sexy,” says Elise Schuster, sex educator and founder of okayso. “Additionally, thinking outside of your usual activities potentially frees up when and where you could be intimate.”

One of the best places for spontaneous sex is a public (yet tucked away) space. Of course, take precautions, so you don’t get caught. For instance, you can hide away in an empty bathroom or stop your car at a gorgeous viewpoint and have a quickie on your way home. “Warding off routine, which for most long-term couples means sex in the bedroom, is a sure way to spontaneous sex,” adds Schwartz. 

Sex toys, like wearable vibrators with remotes, cock rings, and butt plugs, can add to the fun of spontaneous sex. “There are lots of ways to shift arousal patterns between yourself and your partner and create opportunities to feel sexy and be more sexual outside the bedroom and sometimes even in public,” says Schuster.

Secret #9: Make a Yes! Maybe! No! List

One of the biggest obstacles in the way of spontaneous sex is that one person isn’t sure if the other person is going to go for what they’re planning.

According to Schuster, an easy remedy is making a Yes/Maybe/No list around spontaneous sex.

“Each person in the relationship makes their own list of things they’re definitely down for when it comes to spontaneous sex, things they’re maybe down for, and things that are hard nos. Maybe hopping into the shower is a big yes but cars are a huge no. Once the lists are complete, compare them and see what overlaps — then you can approach a partner knowing that you’ve picked something they’re generally up for,” adds Schuster.

Spontaneous Tree House Sex

Secret #10: Take a Trip Somewhere Special

It doesn’t have to be far or exotic; even a night at a hotel in another part of town can do the trick. When you travel outside your comfort zone, you create a shared sense of adventure. With your inhibitions back at home, you’re more inspired to take sexy risks with one another.

If you’re out in nature, take the opportunity to squeeze in a quickie al fresco. If you’re beachside, go for a midnight skinny dip (truly one of the best places for spontaneous sex just don’t forget your waterproof silicone lube), if you’re in a hotel room, give that whirlpool tub a go.

If you’re wondering how to make your relationship more exciting, spontaneous sex should be at the top of your list. The secret to success is factoring in your partner’s comfort and pleasure, while not being afraid to get things started. Be brave, but also be respectful.

Have any fun spontaneous sex stories or know the best places for spontaneous sex? Find us on Twitter at @ASTROGLIDE and send us your hottest tips.