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Presence, however, can be challenging to cultivate in a world of distractions and performance pressure, so if you find yourself distracted during sex or other intimate experiences, consider these approaches to bring yourself back to the present moment.
Put them in a closet, in the kitchen or in the basement — anywhere they'll be out of sight, out of mind during sex. You can do so before or after dinner or at a specific time you designate in advance. You may also want to consider turning off your wireless router at night so that you won’t be tempted to check in one last time. If doing so every night feels too demanding, consider starting with once per week on Friday nights. The goal is to fall asleep and wake up to one another instead of to your online “friends”. If you're already making excuses (e.g. But my phone is my alarm clock!), it’s likely evidence that you need this detox more than you’d like to admit. Nothing takes you out of the moment during sex quite like a Facebook notification or an email from your boss.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, distracted, anxious or simply drawn away from the present moment, one of the simplest ways to calm your body and mind involves bringing your focus back to your breath.
Repeat four times and notice how your breath and heart rate slow. You may not use this approach during the throes of passion, but it can help to ground you when you slip into bed or if you find you need a break during sexual activity.
The five senses are essential to physical pleasure and elemental to cultivating physical and emotional presence. Because you cannot smell in the future or hear in the past, narrowing your focus to one sense forces you to be in the moment as you connect to your body.
Close your eyes. Listen to the clear sounds that are closest to you, and then deepen your focus to hear the sounds emanating from afar. You may hear the song of birds outside your window or the hum of your HVAC unit in the distance. Breathe deeply and see if you can focus your mind on sound alone for one to two minutes.
If you find yourself distracted by thoughts of tomorrow’s big meeting or concerned about the way you look, refocus on the sounds in your bedroom. Listen intently to the sound of your lover’s breath or your own noises and allow yourself to relish in the moment. After all, sex can be a powerful stress reducer.
It happens to the best of us: we climb into bed eager to feel close and connected to our lover, but distracting thoughts abound. Before we know it, we’re mentally ruminating over our taxes or a conversation we had earlier in the day.
Visualize yourself carrying the box into another room and locking it in a cupboard where you can find it and deal with it the following day. If the thought creeps back in, simply remind yourself that it’s locked away in the cupboard in a box and you can attend to it in the morning. Take a few deep breaths as you visualize your body and your partner’s (if you have one) and bring your focus back to the present.
Once you’ve mastered various approaches to being more present in your own body, you might want to consider a partnered exercise that allows you to focus on the physical sensations of touch.
For the purpose of this exercise, select one person to be the “giver/toucher” and the other to be the “receiver”.
The giver can use their fingertips, backs of the hands, palms, breath, and lips to gently and sensually caress the receiver.
Just touch, feel, breathe and make an effort to focus on the texture, temperature, stroke, pressure, and rhythm of touch. Breathe deeply and enjoy yourselves with no specific goal in mind.
When you’re through, take a few minutes to hold one another and breathe in sync.
However you practice presence in and out of the bedroom, go easy on yourself. Each of these exercises can enhance your sex life, but they also offer a range of health, personal and relational benefits exclusive from sex. Take your time, experiment and make adjustments as needed to ensure that they fit our lifestyle and personal needs.
Dr. Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D. is a Toronto-based sexologist specializing in sexuality counseling, clinical sexology, sex education, and healthy relationships. Learn more about Dr. Jess here.