A satisfying sex life isn’t merely a numbers game — the quality of erotic encounters is what truly drives satisfaction, connection, and pleasure. But frequency is not irrelevant, as discrepancies in sexual desire and frequency remain a common source of relationship distress. Research indicates that couples who engage in sex more frequently tend to experience greater relational satisfaction; however, frequency alone is insufficient. The benefits associated with sexual activity oftentimes emerge when accompanied by genuine sexual satisfaction and meaningful emotional connection. That is, while quality may reign supreme, exploring practical ways to comfortably and meaningfully increase sexual frequency can enhance both intimacy and overall relational health.

Given the importance of frequency alongside quality, the next logical step involves considering evidence-based practices that actually move the needle. Here are a series of novel, research-backed strategies that can help you prioritize intimacy, foster desire, and ultimately have more frequent sex.

Heighten sleep hygiene -- and consider a “sleep divorce"

If you have to pick between a good night’s sleep and a romp in the hay, you may want to opt for the former, as it can support the latter. You already know that sleep is essential to overall well-being, but you may not realize how much the quality of your sleep affects the quality and frequency of sex. Poor sleep quality is linked to lower sexual desire, reduced arousal, and decreased sexual satisfaction (Kalmbach et al., 2015). Conversely, improving your sleep may significantly enhance both your libido and sexual pleasure. Research reveals that getting just one extra hour of sleep can boost your odds of having sex the next day by 14% (Kalmbach et al., 2015). But in a world of screens, distractions and overscheduling, how can you prioritize sleep to support a better sex life? You may need to consider more radical strategies including a “sleep divorce”. While it may sound counterintuitive, research suggests that sleeping separately has the potential to enhance overall sleep quality, which in turn positively affects sexual desire and relationship satisfaction. Separate beds or even separate bedrooms can minimize disruptions from snoring, restless movement, and temperature disagreements, allowing deeper, more restorative sleep. If you don’t have the space or the desire to experiment with separate beds, consider these small adjustments that may support a better night’s sleep and, in turn, a greater likelihood of getting frisky:

• Drink cherry juice in the morning and 1-2 hours before bed. A small-scale study of adults with insomnia found improvements in sleep duration and efficiency with benefits possibly derived from increased tryptophan and reduced inflammation. (Losso et al., 2018; check with your healthcare provider before making changes to your diet.)
• Run a white or brown noise machine; drowning out distracting sounds has been shown to improve sleep quality (Ebben et al., 2021).
• Use blackout curtains, as even dim light has been shown to interfere with sleep duration and quality (Cho et al., 2018)

Improving sleep isn't simply about rest and recovery — it also offers the corollary benefits of increasing desire, enhancing sexual connection, and laying the groundwork for more frequent sex.

Try something new like the Flying-Vee, The Pocket or The Quiver

Injecting novelty into your sexual experiences can be a powerful catalyst for increasing sexual frequency. And your options for trying something new are never-ending. You might start with a new technique to drive your lover wild. 

For example, the Flying-Vee and The Finishing Move offer a great place to start and you can master them in minutes with the video below. 
 

Of course, you can also try the Cross My Fingers or The Pocket and see how they respond (video below).

If you’re looking to experiment with new sensations, try a few drops of ASTROGLIDE Quiver. This water-based lube offers a subtle tingle to heighten sensations across the body -- from head to toe. Whether you try a new technique, position, location or lube, engaging in novel and diverse play has the potential to ignite desire and heighten pleasure leading to more frequent erotic encounters 

Talk about sex starting with these 7 Qs

The evidence is clear: talking about sex is associated with more frequent sex. One study found that specific communication about sex, more than general relationship talk, was linked to higher frequencies of sexual activity (Roesla and Janssen, 2020). Talking about sex is also linked with deeper intimacy (Jones et al., 2017), which can also support sexual frequency whereas poor poor communication about sex often correlates with lower sexual frequency and dissatisfaction. So don’t delay. Talk about sex now -- with curiosity, vulnerability and an open mind. Use these prompts to get started:

• What puts you in the mood for sex? And what puts you out of the mood?
• How do you want to feel before, during and after sex?
• When do you feel most open to sex? Are there specific times, moods, or settings that help?
• What are the benefits you associate with sex -- the personal, relational, physical, emotional, practical?
• What holds you back when it comes to sex?
• How can we make sex more playful, satisfying and stress-free?
• How often would you like to have sex in an ideal world?

Practice mindful meditation

If you want a practice that is evidence-based, mindful meditation may be exactly what you’re looking for. With roots in ancient contemplative traditions, mindfulness continues to be studied and validated across cultures as a tool to enhance mental, emotional, and even sexual well-being. The practice involves non-judgmental awareness of the present moment and it can help you tune into bodily sensations, regulate emotional responses, and reduce cognitive distractions — all of which support sexual desire and enjoyment.

One randomized controlled trial found that four sessions of mindfulness practice resulted in an increase in desire, satisfaction and overall sexual functioning among women experiencing low desire. Notably, increases in mindfulness were directly linked to improvements in sexual desire, while reductions in depressive symptoms further contributed to better sexual outcomes (Brotto et al., 2016).

Mindful meditation can involve a range of simple and more involved practices. If you’re just starting out, consider starting with a 5–10 minute body scan meditation: Lie or sit comfortably and slowly bring awareness to different areas of your body, noticing sensations without judgment. Breathe deeply and tune into each area of your body as you mindfully scan starting from your toes and working your way up to the top of your head. This practice can help you to feel more grounded, at ease in your body and present -- all of which lay the groundwork for erotic experiences.

If you’d like to support of guided audio for meditation, try this body scan from the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast.

Practice compassionate foreplay

When it comes to sexual frequency, there are no magic pills or 60-second hacks that will guarantee a boost in how often you have sex. But the research is abundantly clear that happy relationships lay the groundwork for sexual frequency and the practice of compassion is an essential component. 

In a study of over 2,000 newly married couples, researchers found that partners who reported relationally compassionate attitudes -- being emotionally available, responsive and engaged -- had sex more frequently (Fraser et al., 2023). 

Relational compassion includes expressing gratitude and being forgiving as well as noticing and responding to your partner when they reach out. These approaches allow couples to move through stress and uncertainty while staying connected — and that connection can serve as foreplay and often translate to more frequent sex. They also create relational environments where trust, safety, and desire can flourish, which sets the stage for erotic pleasure and frequency. This might include:

• Saying thank you for the little things every single day.
• Letting the small things slide and making space for imperfection.
• Taking a pause before reacting during conflict.
• Checking in regularly about feelings. Go beyond talking about your schedules and make space for real emotional expression -- the good, the bad and the ugly.
• Forgiving gently and moving forward knowing that you’re on the same team.
• Going easy on yourself even as sexual frequency dwindles; self-compassion is just as essential as relational compassion. 

These micro-moments of connection can foster the kind of emotional climate where sex feels more natural, mutual, and desired. 

***

There is no universal path to boosting sexual frequency, but one thing is clear: it won’t happen on its own. Taking intentional steps, staying curious, and experimenting with different approaches can help you to better understand what works for you and your relationship. Whether that means getting more rest, being more present, trying something new, or simply talking more openly, small shifts can make a meaningful difference. And if frequency ebbs and flows, as it naturally does, know that you’re not alone. There’s room for pleasure, play, and connection at every stage, and the process of figuring it out together can be just as intimate as the act itself.

The bottom line: ditch the pressure and emphasize pleasure and you’re more likely to see gains in both frequency and quality of sex. 

Brotto, L. A., Basson, R., & Luria, M. (2008). A mindfulness-based group psychoeducational intervention targeting sexual arousal disorder in women. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1646–1659. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00850.x

Cho, C. H., Yoon, H. K., Kang, S. G., Kim, L., Lee, E. I., & Lee, H. J. (2018). Impact of exposure to dim light at night on sleep in female and comparison with male subjects. Psychiatry Investigation, 15(5), 520–530. https://doi.org/10.30773/pi.2018.03.17

Ebben, M. R., Yan, P., & Krieger, A. C. (2021). The effects of white noise on sleep and duration in individuals living in a high noise environment in New York City. Sleep Medicine, 83, 256–259. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleep.2021.03.031

Fraser, A. M., Leavitt, C. E., Yorgason, J. B., & Price, A. A. (2023). “Feeling it”: Links between elements of compassion and sexual well-being. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 1017384. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1017384

Jones, A. C., Robinson, W. D., & Seedall, R. B. (2017). The role of sexual communication in couples’ sexual outcomes: A dyadic path analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 606–623. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12282

Kalmbach, D. A., Arnedt, J. T., Pillai, V., & Ciesla, J. A. (2015). The impact of sleep on female sexual response and behavior: A pilot study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(5), 1221–1232. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12858

Losso, J. N., Finley, J. W., Karki, N., Liu, A. G., Prudente, A., Tipton, R., Yu, Y., & Greenway, F. L. (2018). Pilot study of the tart cherry juice for the treatment of insomnia and investigation of mechanisms. American Journal of Therapeutics, 25(2), e194–e201. https://doi.org/10.1097/MJT.0000000000000584

Roels, R., & Janssen, E. (2020). Sexual and relationship satisfaction in young, heterosexual couples: The role of sexual frequency and sexual communication. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 17(9), 1643–1652. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.06.013