How Often Do Couples Actually Have Sex?

One of the most common questions I get asked as a sex educator is: how often are other people doing it? It’s understandable why this comes up so often. People are curious to know how their intimate lives are measuring up. We have a tendency to assume that if we’re doing it less than other people, that might be a sign there’s something wrong. 

However, it’s important to avoid engaging in social comparisons around this because there’s not one “right” or “correct” sexual frequency. Different people can be satisfied with very different amounts of sex.

In this article, we’re going to explore what the research actually says about average sexual frequency, why only focusing on the average can be misleading, as well as what really matters when it comes to having a happy, healthy, and hot sex life. 
 

Average Sexual Frequency (And Why It’s Misleading)

Odds are, you’ve probably heard before that the average couple is having sex about once per week. And that’s not wrong.

If you look at data from large, nationally representative surveys in the US, the results show that married and cohabiting couples report having sex an average of 50-60 times per year, which equates to about once per week.

People often look at this number and assume that once-a-week sex is what they should be aiming for. In fact, sex therapists often recommend striving for it. However, averages obscure a lot of variability and don’t tell the full story. It turns out that the number of people who actually have sex once per week is quite small!

We conducted a representative survey of 1,500 American adults at the Kinsey Institute in 2023 in which we asked people how often they engage in partnered sex in a typical month. Among people who were married, we found that the answers ranged from 0 to 99!

Interestingly, we found that only 14% of married folks said they were doing it exactly once per week (4 times a month). Here’s a more detailed breakdown of the results:

• 16% don’t have sex at all in a typical month
• 20% do it 1-3 times
• 14% do it once per week
• 23% do it 5-8 times a month
• 27% are doing it more than twice per week

That’s a lot of variation! The key thing this tells us is that having sex on a once per week basis isn’t all that common. Many are doing it less, and some are doing it far more.  

Also, if you break this data down by age, we see that younger couples are reporting more frequent sex, while older couples are doing it less often. But across all age groups, once per week sex was uncommon. 

So maybe we shouldn’t all be striving for the same sexual frequency because, clearly, different things seem to work for different people. 
 

Does More Sex Equal More Happiness?

In our study, we did find that people who reported having sex more often were indeed more satisfied, which suggests that the amount of sex we’re having does matter. But it only matters to a point.

Other research finds that greater sexual frequency is linked to greater happiness, but only as sex increases to once per week. Beyond that, having additional sex wasn’t linked to further increases in happiness. In other words, people doing it multiple times per week weren’t any happier on average than the folks doing it once a week.

So, yes, sexual frequency is important, but having more sex doesn’t always make us happier. Consistent with this idea, in other studies where couples were asked to double their sexual frequency, not only did people find that challenging to do, but it ended up reducing desire and satisfaction. Having more sex just for the sake of doing it more often won’t necessarily make us more content in the bedroom. 
 

Focus on Quality Over Quantity

Sexual frequency doesn’t tell us anything about the quality of the sex people are having. A couple could be doing it a few times per week, yet feel disconnected and dissatisfied. At the same time, another couple could be doing it once a month and have high levels of intimacy and feel like their needs are being met.

All too often, we get fixated on quantity of sex. But as mentioned above, having more sex just for the sake of doing so doesn’t help—and, in fact, can backfire. So focus instead on making sure the quality is there. When we’re having sex that’s really worth having, that’s the thing that tends to make us want it even more. If you want to increase sexual frequency, start by making sure that you’re having really good sex to begin with.

How To Have Better Sex

Here are some evidence-based tips for turning the heat up in the bedroom:

1.) Start by reducing barriers to sex. When sex declines (or disappears) in a relationship, it’s not necessarily because of lack of desire—it’s often due to lack of opportunity. When partners are chronically tried, stressed, and/or busy, sex is one of the first things to go. Lifestyle changes such as getting on a better sleep schedule, establishing work-life balance, and finding healthy outlets for stress reduction (e.g., a fitness regimen), can go a long way toward cultivating more sexual opportunities.

2.) Try new and different things in the bedroom. Partners often lose interest in sex because it starts feeling routine or predictable. Research consistently shows that the couples most likely to report keeping passion alive are the ones who are pursuing the most novelty in bed, whether that’s trying sex toys, using flavored lubes, sharing sexual fantasies, or exploring roleplay. 

3.) Take steps to make sex more comfortable. When sex is painful or just doesn’t feel all that great, we typically don’t want to do it. Sexual pain is actually a quite common experience. Sometimes it’s due to medical issues that should be checked out by a doctor, but oftentimes, it’s due to not using lube (or not using enough of it!). Lubrication reduces friction, enhances sensation, and increases pleasure. Remember: lubricated sex is pleasurable sex.

4.) Work on your sexual communication. Couples often become sexually disconnected simply because they don’t talk about sex at all. However, it’s important to recognize that we change over time as sexual beings. What we want and what feels good often shifts. But when partners don’t regularly discuss sex, they miss out on the chance to learn how the other may have changed. This leads people to keep approaching sex the way they did in the past, which might not be want anyone actually wants. Do a regular sexual check-in, whether that’s monthly, quarterly, or with some other frequency that’s mutually agreeable. Talk about how things are going and what you might want to try differently in the future. And maybe consider sharing a fantasy along the way for erotic inspiration.
 

Takeaways

There is no universally agreed upon sexual frequency that will make everyone happy. Different things work for different people.

The common advice to have sex once per week may work for some, but that might be too little or too much for others. Don’t worry about how your sex life compares to others. What matters is that you have a sex life that works for you and your partner.

That begins with focusing on the quality of the sex you’re having. If you want to have more sex, make sure you’re having sex that’s actually worth having.

References

Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989–2014. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(8), 2389-2401.

Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.

Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302.

Loewenstein, G., Krishnamurti, T., Kopsic, J., & Mcdonald, D. (2015). Does increased sexual frequency enhance happiness?. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 116, 206-218.