Ever been curious about the idea of having a threesome? If so, you’re not alone! It turns out that having a threesome is one of the most popular sexual fantasies. At one time or another, almost everyone has wondered what it would be like. 

International Threesome Day is celebrated on the third day of the third month of each year (March 3), so in recognition of this sexy holiday that you had no idea even existed, let’s explore what you need to know about threeways. In this article, we’ll discuss just how common threesome fantasies are, why so many people are drawn to the idea, how many people have ever actually had one, as well as some practical tips if this is something you’d like to explore IRL. 

How Many People Have Fantasized About a Threesome?

 I surveyed 4,175 American adults about their sexual fantasies for my book Tell Me What You Want. I asked people about their favorite sexual fantasy of all time, as well as hundreds of different people, places, and things they might have ever fantasized about. The results revealed that having a threesome was an extraordinarily popular fantasy. With respect to people’s favorite fantasy of all time, more than one-third of participants said that it involved having a threesome, making it the single most common go-to fantasy theme.

 Further, when I separately asked people whether they’d ever fantasized about having a threesome, it turned out that 93% of men and 84% of women reported having had this fantasy before. Men weren’t just more likely to have had the fantasy—they also reported having the fantasy more often than women. A majority of men (53%) said that having a threesome is something that they fantasize about regularly, compared to 35% of women. 

Why Threesome Fantasies Are So Popular

So, what’s behind the appeal of a threesome fantasy? The answer may be different for different people, but here are some of the key reasons people find this idea to be so appealing:

• It’s a form of novelty. Most people have never had a threesome before, so the idea of having an extra partner in bed can simply represent a tantalizing new possibility, or a way of introducing some excitement into a flagging sex life.
• You can do things with three people that you can’t do with two. Threesomes are exciting, in part, because they offer more variety in sexual positions and activities.
• It can be a way to explore your sexuality. Depending on the gender of your partners, threesomes can be a way that some people explore bisexual attractions.
• Threesomes can make us feel overwhelmingly desired. In most people’s threesome fantasies, they picture themselves as the center of attention. Being desired by multiple people at once can be very validating by making you feel wanted and attractive. Also, being able to please more than one person at the same time can boost feelings of sexual confidence.
• Some people take pleasure in witnessing their partner’s pleasure. For some, watching their partner be intimate with someone else evokes feelings of compersion. In other words, they may feel joy or arousal in response to seeing their partner being fully satisfied. 

Of course, there can be other reasons beyond this, and it’s possible to be into threesomes for more than one reason. But it should be clear by now that there isn’t just one singular thing that draws people to this activity. 

How Many People Have Actually Done It?

Until recently, we didn’t really have great data on the prevalence of real-life threesomes because it’s not something most researchers have bothered to ask about. However, in a nationally representative US survey of 2,021 adults published in the journal PLOS ONE, it was discovered that about 1 in 5 men (18%) and 1 in 10 women (10%) reported having had a threesome before. These numbers tell us that, although having a threesome is an extremely common fantasy, it’s not all that common for people to actually act it out. 

Returning to my fantasy research, I asked participants who had never acted out their threesome fantasies what was holding them back. The most common reasons were that: (1) their partner wasn’t into it, (2) they didn’t know how to even go about it, and (3) they were afraid to do so. In other words, there are a lot of reasons why someone might have the fantasy, yet never do anything about it. 

Tips For Having a Threesome

 Let’s say you want to give a threesome a try. What do you need to know? First, you need to find interested parties—and this is one of the biggest stumbling blocks. How do you identify other people who might be interested in having a group encounter? If you don’t have friends who are interested or you’re not part of the local sex scene, this is where you might need to step outside of the box a bit. For example, you might explore non-traditional dating apps that cater to people who are looking for something other than strict monogamy. Second, everyone needs to get on the same page about what they want from the experience. Advance communication is essential. When people go into a threesome having drastically different expectations, it’s very easy for things to quickly go off the rails. To ensure everyone gets what they want and that everyone’s boundaries are respected, you need to talk about all of this before hopping into bed. 

Third, think through the precautions you need to take to mitigate the risks, both physical and emotional. On the physical side, what safer-sex practices are you going to use (e.g., condoms, dental dams, PrEP, the HPV vaccine, an STI testing routine, etc.)? On the emotional side, what are you going to do to reduce risk to your relationship if you’re having a threesome with your partner? For instance, what will you do if one of you starts to feel jealous or left out? Establishing a safeword can be a helpful way of communicating to one another that you’ve reached your limit. Fourth, take it easy with substances. For many people, the idea of having a threesome sounds intimidating, so they might be tempted to have a few drinks or maybe partake in another substance in order to relax beforehand. However, substances can interfere with your decision making and lead to boundary violations. 

Lastly, go in with realistic expectations. Things may not go according to plan. There may be some awkward moments. And that’s OK. Prepare to be flexible and adaptable to the situation, and recognize that you may need to try it a few times before you feel comfortable and at ease with a three-person dynamic. Practice makes perfect, after all! This is a non-exhaustive guide, but it should get you started on some of the key things you need to think about. For a more in-depth exploration, check out a book like The Ethical Slut.

Takeaways

Having a threesome is one of the most popular sex fantasies. In fact, it’s something that most people seem to be quite curious about, although relatively few have actually had one in real life. Not everyone is drawn to having a threesome for the same reason, though, which highlights the importance of solid communication between partners to ensure that everyone is one the same page. There’s also a lot to think through in terms of how to optimize the experience for the safety and pleasure of all involved. But with advance planning, proper communication, and the right mindset, threesomes can be highly rewarding. Happy International Threesome Day!

 References

 Hardy, J. W., & Easton, D. (2017). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Ten Speed Press.

 Herbenick, D., Bowling, J., Fu, T. C., Dodge, B., Guerra-Reyes, L., & Sanders, S. (2017). Sexual diversity in the United States: Results from a nationally representative probability sample of adult women and men. PloS one, 12(7), e0181198.

 Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell me what you want. Da Capo Press.